From Numb to Awake: How I Turned the Corner into Emotional Awareness
And why resting without guilt is non-negotiable.
I used to not give a shit.
Not about emotions.
Not about awareness.
Not about feeling anything deeply.
Because what was the point?
Emotional awareness was just another doorway to pain, and I had already spent too much of my life drowning in it.
But somewhere along this healing journey something shifted.
I stopped running from my emotions and started actively seeking them.
I became obsessed with checking in throughout the day:
What am I feeling right now?
Where is this showing up in my body?
What’s underneath this reaction?
And you know what?
Healing is fucking exhausting.
It drains me.
It makes me cry.
It still guts me at times, even after all the progress I’ve made over the years.
And that’s exactly why resting without guilt is no longer optional—it’s mandatory.
Healing takes energy and that means I have to recharge
Nobody tells you that healing isn’t just about facing your past.
It’s about sustaining the energy to keep going when everything in you wants to quit.
I can’t maintain the kind of emotional awareness I need if I’m running on empty.
I can’t do the deep work of healing if I’m constantly depleted.
That means rest isn’t some luxury I get if I’ve “earned” it.
That’s the old programming talking.
The same programming that made me believe I had to be productive 24/7 to have value.
The same toxic messaging that made me feel guilty for every moment of stillness.
Screw that.
I rest because I choose to. I rest because I deserve to.
And setting boundaries around my rest?
That’s just as important as the healing work itself.
I’ve made it clear to my family: I’m okay—I just need uninterrupted time to reset.
My rest, my rules
Here’s what rest looks like for me:
Reading a book for fun. Not a self-help book. Not something to “fix” myself. Just something lighthearted that lets my mind breathe.
Chilling on the couch in cozy clothes. No expectations. No pressure. Just existing.
Crying in my bedroom—alone. Not because I’m ashamed, but because I need the freedom to cry at whatever level I need, without someone asking, Are you okay? (Newsflash: No, I’m not okay, but that’s not the point.)
This is me during the early phase of my healing. The anguish was unbearable!
This is what refuels me.
This is what gives me the capacity to keep seeking my emotional awareness instead of shutting down.
Hypervigilance: when rest was never safe
For most of my life, rest wasn’t something I chose—it was something I never truly had.
If I heard the garage door open when my mother was coming home from work, I’d spring into action.
If I heard someone walking into the room I was in, my entire nervous system would snap to attention.
That kind of hypervigilance doesn’t just disappear overnight.
It takes deep healing to rewire the belief that rest is safe.
That’s why choosing to rest—without guilt—is one of the most radical acts of self-reconstruction I’ve ever done.
It’s like a direct rebellion against everything that was ingrained in me!
Rest is not a reward. It’s a responsibility
People like me—people who were raised in environments where everything was a crime, including rest—have to unlearn so much just to feel safe stopping.
We weren’t just shamed for being tired.
We were made to feel guilty for even needing rest.
But I’m done with guilt.
I’ve chosen the responsibility of healing myself. I’m choosing the responsibility to rest. No one’s permission required.
Because if healing is my job, then rest is the fuel that keeps me showing up.
And I intend to keep showing up.
Resting in grace,
Carole
PS: If you grew up shutting down your emotions for survival, actually feeling them can feel like stepping into the unknown. But emotions aren’t the enemy—they’re the key to healing. One of the books on my free booklist completely changed how I view emotions and I want you to have access to it.
Download my free booklist and discover the books that played a major role in my healing.