After She Died—Part 1: This Wasn’t Grief. It Was Freefall.

This 6-part series explores what grief really looked like for me after the death of my narcissistic mother. It’s raw, emotional, and nothing like the peace I thought would come.

What no one talks about when the narcissistic mother dies

After she died, I thought I’d feel peace. Maybe even relief.

But what came instead was a thick, disorienting silence.

And inside that silence—something I couldn’t name.

It wasn’t grief. It wasn’t freedom. It wasn’t closure.

It felt more like a collapse.

The kind of collapse that happens when the one who controlled your every move finally leaves the room, but your nervous system doesn’t know what to do with the sudden stillness.

There was no script for this

Grieving someone who made your life miserable on purpose doesn’t come with a guidebook.

There were no casseroles dropped off at my door.

No handwritten notes that said, “I know this is complicated.”

No Hallmark card that said, “She broke you. And now she’s gone.”

There was only me dealing with this because no one else understood the depths of what I’d been through..

Me, staring into a space where her voice had always been.

Me, wondering why the silence felt more threatening than her rage ever did.

Everyone expects devastation or peace. But what if you feel neither?

When a narcissistic mother dies, there’s no clean emotion.

People expect tears. They expect some mix of sorrow and reflection.

But no one expects confusion. Or anger. Or fear. Or panic. Or that weird sense of falling apart right at the moment you thought you’d be okay.

No one prepares you for that.

They don’t prepare you for the fact that her death doesn’t undo the trauma.

That the memories don’t stop clawing at you.

That your inner child still doesn’t feel safe.

This wasn’t grief. This was a freefall.

Her death ended her. But, it didn’t end what she did to me.

I didn’t lose a mother. I lost the person who made every moment in that house feel unsafe.

And that loss is a different kind of devastation—one no one knows how to witness.

This is Part 1 of my After She Died series. Want to read the full series? Explore all 6 parts of After She Died HERE.

I’m not here to tell you how to heal. But I’ll show you what I did.

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